Twilight Horrorscopes: A Death Note Opera
by shallowswan
Summary: Edward Cullen meets and befriends an eccentric, but talented vampire living in a closet in Volterra. He calls himself L, and he is passionate about bringing down the dangerous newborn called Kira.Edward and his family soon join the war against Kira. AU


**Twilight Horrorscopes: A Death Note Opera**

_Welcome all! :D Featured below is a fun, great little piece that me and Master of the Boot have been collaborating on. I work in a bakery, and since getting major into Death Note I can't help but to think of crazy situations involving L. One day while cleaning the donut case I suddenly thought of L as a Twilight vamp, and Light as a newborn…and I asked Master of the Boot for some ideas, and here we are! =) I am aiming for no more than about five chapters for this. Without further ado enjoy our work! Guest appearances from Hellsing and Vampire Hunter D!_

**Chapter One: The Closet**

"_He walks up to the closet, he's close up to the closet, now he's at the closet, now he's opening the closet." - The Closet, R Kelly._

**_Volterra, Present Day_**

Edward Cullen bowed his head and lightly massaged his temples in a very human fashion. It was apparent from his blazing golden eyes and stark pale skin that he was anything but human but his current discomfort was so agonizing it felt like human pain. The pain wasn't born from the constant burning in his throat but rather from another immortal curse; voices that yammered on throughout his head. Edward constantly received the thoughts of all those he encountered. Typically he could tune them out easily enough, and bore though it. Usually the thoughts of others didn't even warrant his attention unless those thoughts concerned his treasured Bella and Renesmee.

But the thoughts invading his head now were different. Never before had he encountered a line of thinking so chaotic. They sounded like a radio scanning rapidly through all the channels of the world. He heard bursts of sound, lines of a thought, saw an occasional images (most of them seemed to be regarding pastries) and random sentences in at least thirty different languages, and those where just the languages Edward could identify. Most of the thoughts were in Japanese, but that didn't stop the next line of thinking to occur in a harsh guttural growl Edward knew to be Klingon. Edward could only conclude that they were the thoughts of a vampire that had gone as mad as a hatter. This vampire could certainly teach Johnny Depp a thing or two about true madness.

Edward lowered his hands and focused instead on the piano resting below his hands. He pressed down experimentally on a few of the keys, and listened closely to the tones flowing from his hands and watching the hammer striking the stings. He focused only on this, adjusting the string as needed. Was it really all that unusual to run across the thoughts of a rabid vampire locked deep within the elegant halls of Volterra? In all likelihood the city had to be full of them.

…_.Now really! I just had a sugar….when did Lady Gaga….MY SUGAR CUBE! THERE IT…oh that isn't right. He can't possibly be Kira. Samhaine forever indeed. _

Edward knew it was likely a mistake but his attention perked instantly when he heard the name Kira. After all it was a name that was virtually everywhere, a name that roused a keen interest within Edward, a name that stirred either fear or loyalty within all humans that heard it. But he didn't think he would hear it within Volterra. Kira was matter for the humans to contend with it. It was clear enough that Kira's staggering power and ridged judgment didn't extend to the likes of the vampires, therefore the vampires didn't give two squirts of piss on what Kira did to humans….if vampires could piss that was. What mad vampire could possibly dwell on the identity of Kira?

Still, Edward pushed the disjointed babbling aside and focused back on the piano. He wasn't here in Volterra willingly, but Aro himself had contacted him and practically begged him to restore several old pianos they had lying about the palace. Edward had taken the job not out of necessity, but out of common sense. The last thing Edward wanted was to…again…invoke the rage of the Volturi upon his family.

… _I only see two viable options. Kira is a young man between the ages of 17-21 that thinks his judgment upon criminals is righteous, or he is a newborn vampire with…_

…_Either way I must…_

…_I know I have seen this episode of Aqua Teen before._

… _DAMN IT! Aro told me this lollipop was made in Belgium. Bull shit. Bulls fucking shit!_

…_who stole my hairarium!_

… _the humans don't deserve to live in fear. This is nothing more than genocide. I can't watch another genocide._

…_no, the expression is bull fucking shit! Bulls fucking shit implies coitus acts that cattle don't typically…_

…_I wish Carlisle was still here. I miss him. He would know exactly how to act against Kira_…

That clinched the deal. Edward abandoned all thought of the half-finished piano and turned swiftly to the chatter of thoughts assaulting his senses. They couldn't have been far, they were so clear that they had to have been somewhere on this floor. Edward soon found his feet racing toward the mysterious source, and pressing his ear up against doors to see if the mental reception grew any louder. A few moments later Edward found himself staring at a simple broom closet door. The thoughts were pouring out from this location in a deafening screech, like microphone feedback.

_Kira hasn't made any mistakes so far…so I have to make him panic. I need to force him to make a mistake_.

….Carlisle would know what to do. As far as vampires go he was certainly the one who understood most about human and vampire psychology.

… _strange. When I was reborn it was fashionable for women to have pale skin, a plump figure and to wear up to six robes. These women they feature in today's porn wouldn't make it very far in the Heian aristocracy. Of course they also blackened their teeth with dye. I was never fond of that._

…_.seriously who finds his movies…_

…_what flavour is THIS? Come on Aro…I won't eat just anything!_

…_Kira…._

Edward jiggled the handle experimentally, handle moved freely. The door wasn't locked. The thoughts halted for an instant, than began anew.

_Nani? Was? Chto? Shenme? Que? Ce? What?_

For a passing moment Edward thought of bolting down the marble hallway as fast as his immortal legs could carry him. There was something so terribly unnatural about a living being that scanned through seven different languages just to figure out how to he wanted to say "What". But Edward refused to let his hesitation show; he stilled the slight tremor in his hand and pushed the door open. He wasn't certain what image he'd been expecting to find, but he was still ill prepared for what he found.

The vampire assaulting his head was a young Asian man; at least in terms of body and facial features, but it was apparent that he was also ancient. He possessed the same striking features of age that were trademark of Aro, Caius and Marcus; the same hellish red eyes that were clouded as though by a white mist, the same stark white skin that appeared as fragile and thin as onion peels. Instead of the long sleek elegant hair most ancient vampires wore this man wore his thick black hair in a wild tangle that shot out in all directions. He didn't wear the expensive black Armani and Versace styles Edward expected an ancient to wear, but instead was clothed in an ill-fitting long sleeved white shirt and blue jeans that could have been at the clearance rack at Goodwill. The vampire was half crouched, half perched on a leather arm chair, his knees pulled against his chest and the entirety of his body weight resting on the balls of his bare feet. It certainly wasn't uncomfortable for a vampire to assume such a strange foetal position, but it also wasn't entirely natural either. Vampires simply preferred to sit or stand with little variation in between, the only time they used their overly limber bodies was for fighting or elaborate sex positions.

However one thing took the cake for the strangest thing about this vampire. The minuscule closet was barren, save for stacks of papers and the single laptop he was hunched toward. But filling in the blank spaces of the table and the floor were countless deserts. Slices of cake, innumerable candy wrappers, dishes of sugar cubes, boxes of donuts, boxes of chocolate, countless cans of Monsters and Red Bulls, drained cups of coffee, cupcake wrappers…Edward couldn't begin to identify all the sweets that dwelled within this vampires lair. In his left hand the vampire held four lollipops of varying styles clinched in the gaps between his fingers. He could have been some bizarre AU of Wolverine.

In truth he'd only seen one thing more bizarre and more gut wrenchingly wrong image in his expansive life. There had been a snag in his marriage three months ago when his sex life suddenly felt passionless and mechanical. Bella become desperate to rekindle the spark in their passion, and began to try a wide variety tricks. Some of her ideas were brilliant…he wouldn't soon forget beautiful simplicity of the French maid…but then there were others. Namely the time he'd come home to find Bella awaiting him with her freshly pierced nipples bared, a bull whip clinched in her white hand, and her lovely body swathed in a terribly modified clown suit that tried to showcase her curves. Her face was slathered in white and red make up; she even had a rainbow Afro wig perched on her head.

The worst part was that she'd mistaken Edward's choked scream of terror as one of wild passion, than attacked him with her painted lips. He'd never forget the revolting sensation of layers of makeup scrapping against her flesh. Or of the bullwhip rebounding against his bare ass while Clown-Bella told perverse knock-knock jokes.

He'd never feared clowns before that point but Bella had soon taught him how to fear those red nosed bastards.

The vampire blinked slowly, his expression quite unreadable as he regarded Edward. Unlike Clown - Bella this vampire wasn't offensive to the senses. His age startled anyone that beheld him, but Edward could tell that by slanted shape of his wide eyes, delicate nose and thin lips that many would have found him quite beautiful. But everything told Edward that there was something terribly wrong with this man. He wasn't playing with a full deck of cards. He had a three at best. The wheels are turning, but the hamster was dead and rotting. He was really kind of . . . pathetic, actually.

"I…ah…I uh…I thought I heard someone talking…" Edward stuttered stupidly, unable to find any other way to explain why he was here.

"Oh, you did? You must have telepathic powers. I haven't used my physical voice in over two months. You must be a Cullen. Yes, I am almost 86% sure of that. There are only a handful of vampires that have eyes like yours and over half of that handful are Cullen's. Yes, your expressions remind me quite a bit of Carlisle. If memory serves me right he has three adopted sons. Jasper was from Texas, you don't possess a Texan accent. You don't look strong enough to be an Emmett, therefore I am going to conclude that you are Edward Cullen." the vampire began calmly, clinching his bare toes into the leather of his chair and pausing to slurp greedily at one of his cherry flavoured lollipops.

"I…" Edward stumbled in a numb haze. What had just happened? Had this thing really deduced his identity from a single fragmented sentences?

The vampire uncurled from his chair and shuffled over to Edward. Again Edward was jolted by disbelief. The vampire possessed an extreme slouch, and looked ill at ease on his feet as he neared Edward, but innocently enough he held out his boney white hand, the one that wasn't armored with lollipops. It took a moment for Edward to realize that vampire was trying to introduce himself.

Plagued with curiosity Edward took his hand. "Yes. I am Edward Cullen. May I ask who you are?"

"Oh of course…I am…." confusion swept over his face, and the licked thoughtfully at one of the lollipops as though it contained an answer. "Hmm…I haven't fully decided what I want to call myself right now, so let's just go with L for the moment. "

"L?" Edward questioned a bit too harshly, but it was quite clear from the vampire's expression and thoughts that this wasn't his true name.

"Yes, L. I like L. L is love. L is laughter. L is life. L is luck. L is longevity. L is lust. L is lost. L is for lollipop. L is for liquorice. L is for laid. At various times in my life I've embodied these things. So, yes. I am L." the vampire who called himself L kneeled down on the floor and grabbed a plate with a Japanese style print across the surface, at first glance the plate looked to be carrying sushi, but a closer glance revealed that this sushi was made entirely of candy. "Would you care to share some sushi with me Edward Cullen?"

Edward just stared at L for a moment with a look of plain incredulity. Even though the strange vampire named L was not a psychic, he may have well as been so there was really no point in trying to hide his feelings from the strange creature before him. Also it was some of his teenaged defiance shining through that he hadn't completely outgrown. "No," said Edward with a definite sense of finality.

L looked at Edward with a comical expression of disbelief. It was as if the sky had reversed colour from blue to purple. His eyes widened and his mouth was open like a fish in mid breath. He honestly couldn't believe what Edward was saying, despite all of his analytic and deductive powers he'd been totally blindsided by something which should have been very obvious to all but the stupidest or most ill informed of people.

"Huh?" said L.

Edward caught himself and immediately regretted what he'd said. When he'd been human, that kind of insolence with ones elders would have earned him a hard spanking with a wooden switch. He'd really been taken off guard by the absurdity of L's speech. Vampires couldn't eat sushi any more than humans could eat dirt. Although according to his wife Bella, dirt didn't taste half bad. Now he had to try and stop his daughter Renesmee from eating dirt every chance she got. And damn that fucker Jacob Black for not doing more to stop it! And his daughter's emotionless boyfriend could careless if the universe imploded, much less if his girlfriend was eating dirt.

Edward was shaken from his internal reflection by L's wavering, accented voice which bordered on the mystical.

"Why do you not want sushi?" L sounded really pitiful as if Edward's rejection of sushi was some grave insult to a loved one. "Sushi is wonderful. Everyone loves sushi; especially candy sushi—which is forty-nine percent more popular with children."

Edward straightened his back and called back on his intense etiquette training from the nineteen tens. By the same token, L seemed to become more twisted and Dali-esque; he was like a clean version of _Lord of the Ring's _Golem. "I sincerely apologize for offending you, L" Edward said in his most adult and mature voice. He was radiating pure gentleman as he spoke. "I know that you were only trying to offer me hospitality and make me feel welcome and I feel that I really have stepped out of my boundaries. I shall have some sushi if you will still permit me."

To Edward's surprise, L reached forward with his fragile, long fingered hand and grabbed his hand. Shockingly, L's hand felt warm. The ancient vampires like Aro and Caius had a lower body temperature than the standard vampire. Carlise endlessly theorized whether this was due to more efficient internal processes or whether it was simply a sign of an organism in a state of entropy. The data had always been insufficient to come up with a solid conclusion since Carlisle only had recent vampires to work with. But based on L's body temperature, the old vampires frigid state may be related to something more than age alone.

Then Edward received another blast of erratic thoughts from L, which was like receiving a burst of static on headphones; unpleasant to say the least.

_Squadalla, we're off! Say what?_

_What do you mean I signed the bible? I am Shalashashka! _

_There's nothing wrong with my hearing you cunt—-let the Les Enfants Terrible project begin!_

_Hey! The trail of donuts ended!_

That and nearly a hundred other thoughts assailed Edward in a brief and nonsensical flash. Listening to this guy's mind was like watching Arab TV without speaking Arabic and having random sound pumped at a hundred and fifty decibels through old, lousy headphones.

Immediately, L lowered his head and scratched the back of his head in a gesture that was more simian than vampiric. The eccentric vampire cast his eyes low and spoke in a penitent voice. "No, don't apologize. To be quite honest with you, I've been rather out of sorts as of late. Even with plentiful sugar and sexual stimulation, I am presently operating at exactly sixty-nine percent of my full operating capacity."

Edward couldn't help but feel impressed by that. The bastard wasn't feeling well; god knew how smart he'd really be if he was in his right state of mind. Still, he honestly got the idea that even when L was "sane" he really wasn't all that normal by anybody's standards.

At that moment, L lifted his face from the floor and gave Edward a cute little smile. Again, there was something very monkey like and cheeky about the smile but it immediately helped to put Edward at ease. Either this guy was as nice as he looked or he was a serial killer. Edward was willing to take a leap of faith.

Edward took L's hand and shook it, although L only allowed Edward to touch the tips of his fingers as if he were germophobic. With his mind reading abilities, Edward discerned L's aversion to touch; it was the only coherent thought he'd get from L, ever.

L immediately pulled away his hand from Edward's and gestured to the small closet that was apparently his home. "Please, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, enter my closet freely and of your own will and try to help yourself to some of the sugar I bring." On cue, L took the claw like arrangement of lollipops in his hand and sucked on them all at once, causing Edward to wince. Even more disgustingly, L reached into his pocket and shoved in a hard candy.

**_Berlin, 1945_**

_L stood next to a beautiful woman with long black hair and a strange curl in the front which seemed to be able to withstand all weather conditions. A moment ago they'd both been happy._

_At present, the sun was hiding behind clouds and it was beginning to rain; ruining the dress that the woman wore. It was the only dress he'd ever seen her wear. _

_L, contrary to his usual style of comfortable, inexpensive clothing was clad in what looked like a modern men's suit. Comparable to his usual style, the suit was neither flashy nor very expensive but it made him look wonderful just the same. He'd even tried to slick back his uncontrollable hair. _

_The rain fell, pelting L and the woman who were standing side by side. Behind them, the city of Berlin was like a faded jewel. Once it had a been a lively, liberal city full of culture, life and love. Gay bars opened their doors freely and all sorts of people came for the night life. _

_The Nazis had fed on Germany like a vampire, L would later admit. Germany was the body of the victim and Berlin was the jugular vein. They took not only Berlin's blood but its vitality, its spirit and its very soul and marked their lechery with their vivid banners of Death. _

_Unfortunately Nazis and bad weather were the least of the problems which L and the woman had to face. The problem they were facing was seven feet tall, wider than most door frames and Scottish as they come. _

_The big Scotsman loomed over L and the woman like a portent of doom sent by an angry pagan god of old. The Scotsman was heavily armed; in one hand he carried a Bren light machinegun and tucked into his belt were no less than eight revolvers with great long barrels. Clenched in the man's pearly white teeth was a pirate's cutlass. _

_The man was dressed in British military uniform but the uniform he was clad in had been patched and mended multiple times; too many times in fact for him to be regular British army. It was very likely that he was a deserter or had taken a uniform from someone else who was seven feet tall and over fifty inches across. _

_Completing the man's formidable appearance was a giant golden cross that hung from his neck. From his appearance he was either a pissed off British soldier from Glasgow, angry that one of the German girls gave him the clap, or he was an ultra-fanatical Christian who was angry that one of the German girls gave him the clap. In both cases, he didn't look like he wanted to do anything other than kill the nearest living thing with his bare hands. _

_L looked to the woman and immediately threw himself in front of her protectively. He bared his teeth and growled at the hostile Scotsman but to no avail. _

_Instead of retreating, the Scotsman pulled the sword out of his mouth and started to bark threats at the woman and the vampire. _

"_Ah am the ultimate hostage taker!—God's own reaper! Now do as ah say or ah'll eat the wee lassie!" _

_To get his point across, the giant Scotsman then took his cutlass and began to stab himself in the heart repeatedly with it; evidently to no great self-harm. _

_Meanwhile, L and the female human with the prominent curl looked at each other with uncertain expressions. The woman grasped L's sleeve lightly, even in this moment of panic she recalled his sensitivity to touch. She began to speak in rapid fire German. They were the wedding vows she'd been unable to say before the Scotsman so rudely interrupted. _

"_Ich nehme Dich, Lawliet, zu meinem Gatten und verspreche, Dir die Treue zu halten in guten und bosen Tagen, in Gesundheit and Krankheit, ja dich will ich ieben und achten, bis der Tod uns scheidet." _

_**Volterra, Now**_

Edward stood up in L's little closet. The ceiling of the closet was low and sloped but the large piece of furniture was very wide so there was plenty of room for L to squat as he saw fit.

Rather than storing clothes or other things, L had done some carpentry work and fitted the place with shelves full of candy of all sorts. It reminded Edward of a British Sweet and Confection shop he'd visited on a family vacation in nineteen oh nine. Those hazy memories of British candy and sweets were thrown in to sharp relief by the contents of L's sugar stash.

Blood was sweet and none had been sweeter than the blood of the once human lover of Edward; his tua la canatante. However, despite their keen sense of smell, vampires really didn't have much in the way of a sense of taste. All blood nourished them with very few exceptions so there was very little reason for them to be able to tell various forms of blood apart. Most of their sense of taste was for distinguishing human and nonhuman blood. Apparently, much like an autistic human, L was wired much differently than most vampires. He wondered if it was due to his age, or if perhaps he had been autistic in his human life.

L helped himself to a generous slice of chocolate cake sitting in the corner of the room and looked up at Edward with his wide, unblinking raccoon eyes. He ran his stone tongue across the surface of a great big rainbow lollypop. Edward had to suppress a wince because he saw that L's tongue was black. Now instead of looking like Wolverine's autistic cousin, L looked like the bastard lovechild of Tim Burton and the makers of _The Ring_.

"It doesn't bother you if I am the only one eating cake, does it?" L asked in manner that Edward thought was very Japanese, he seemed preoccupied with politeness.

Edward refused and tried not to stare too hard at him. He had truly never seen a vampire with such prominent bags under his eyes. He almost looked like he was wearing Jack Sparrow style eyeliner. It really made Edward self conscious about the bags under his own eyes.

His self consciousness was interrupted by L. "You seem very uncomfortable, Edward Cullen. I have calculated a twenty-five percent chance that you will be more at home if you sit down."

Edward vehemently denied L's claim. As he stood, he had his back to the wall and was standing behind L. His head was bent forward with his neck at a ninety degree angle to avoid bumping his head on some of L's candy shelves. "I'm not uncomfortable, but thank you for your concern."

L's eyes focused on Edward with laser beam intensity. He wasn't trying to make Edward uncomfortable; he just had no social skills whatsoever. So if L looked at someone with the Raccoon-laser beam death eyes he meant them no ill will; he was just studying them. Edward shuttered to think of how L might look if he was romantically interested in someone.

L was still unconvinced. "Studies have shown that such posture is bad for the health of the vertebrae in the neck. As a young man you may stunt your bone development."

Edward narrowed his eyes at that statement. "I am fine, thank you." Did L really imply that Edward would stunt his growth? He was a vampire; except for regeneration from massive cellular damage he hadn't done any growing since the start of World War I.

It was nearly impossible to tell, but it may well have been that L had forgotten that Edward was a vampire. It was damn near difficult to tell by the man's thoughts; since all Edward got from his mind was confusing to say the least. "Just how old are you, by the way?" Edward enquired.

He avoided the question. "Your interest in me peaked when I began to think of Kira. If you would like, I'll show you some of my findings regarding Kira."

L turned to his computer and began to type; which was the only source of light in the dark closet. As a wallpaper he had a picture of an enormous cake with frosting, cherries, whipped cream and chocolate chips on it. Edward was no judge of pastries but if he were human that would have been a pretty good looking cake.

Immediately, L began to type and open up files for Edward to see. Edward's eyes widened at the data and documents that L was pulling up. He'd managed to gather accurate data-news articles, youtube videos and police files relating to every murder that Kira had ever committed.

It was a phenomenon that had begun occurring less than a year ago. Criminals all over the world were dying, particularly high profile criminals. The cause of death was the same in all cases; a single massive heart attack had killed each victim in precisely thirty seconds. It was the same for every victim no matter what their age, or medical histories. Even more bizarre was the fact that each criminal killed took the same amount of time to die. Whether it was an aging Mafia boss or a young white collar criminal all it took was thirty seconds following heart failure.

It didn't take long before experts, pundits and religious leaders to realize that there was an intelligence governing these attacks. It was impossible for so many diverse criminals with no connection to each other to just begin dying like flies.

"This is the work of the person or persons known as Kira," L explained. "Kira, who or whatever they are seems to have the ability to induce fatal heart attacks in human beings remotely." L's cloudy eyes took in the data on the computer screen and began to elaborate for Edward. "As far as any autopsy can detect, there was no sign of drugs or advanced nanotechnology in any of the victims which would explain the sudden and lethal heart attacks."

Edward nodded, he'd read a great deal about this but nobody really seemed to know anything credible about Kira; if he or she really existed. "So you've been studying Kira," Edward deduced.

"That is correct," said L, licking his lollypop again and shoving a glob of cake in his mouth, "Through their elimination of high profile criminals, Kira has gathered a large base of fans and supporters across the world. In many of the more secular countries and even in the religiously hard core nations; Kira worship is reaching a pitched fervor unseen by any of the world's major religions in years. Even the crusades in Europe or Islamic Jihad against the pagan Arabs failed to reach hearts and minds across so many borders. Kira has done nothing to discourage this. There is a 98% chance that this is his intention."

Edward looked over the extensive data that now filled the screen. Though chaotic and seemingly disorganized, Edward could see that there was a kind of method to the madness on the computer screen and that all the data was brought up in a relevant way. Unlike the strange vampire's mind, which just seemed to be based on madness. "L, how old are you?" Edward asked L.

L turned to Edward from his squatting position. "I am old enough to remember a time before the Volturi," was all he said with a trace of bitterness and hate in his voice.

Edward nodded, that put this guy roughly at four thousand years old; give or take a century. "Did Caius and Aro order you to investigate this?"

L shook his head and continue to open more and more data on the computer. He must have filled the hard drive on the computer to capacity with information about Kira. "No," he answered again with that same trace of bitterness to his otherwise flat and even voice. "I am doing this purely as a personal project in between more official work. Aro and Caius are unconcerned about Kira because so far all he has done is kill humans."

The spiky haired vampire paused and looked down at his candy as if it had lost its sweetness for a moment. "I should like to remind you that Aro and Caius never do anything which will not directly benefit them."

Edward nodded. L's attitude towards the Volturi mirrored his own. In his early vampire years he'd cursed the Volturi for not doing more to stop human suffering; hence his own campaign of blood and vigilantism

"I have taken it upon myself to investigate Kira because I find it interesting. There is little enough these days that I find interesting." Then L's facial expression and voice softened. "And because I think that eliminating Kira would be the right thing to do. It might be that eliminating Kira is the only morally correct choice we have. "

Edward looked into L's red eyes and had to ask. "But you eat humans," Edward pointed out. "Isn't there a bit of a hypocrisy in saving them from a heart attack inducing ghost and then eating them?"

L turned to Edward briefly and then began to open up the internet to download some music. Music increased L's deductive abilities by twelve percent if it was good music. "I understand your logic, Edward-chan," he applied the Japanese honorific which roughly translated to "little one."

"However everything I do is serve justice. Humans that I feed upon are death row inmates who suffer a far more human death than those reserved by human death machines. In all my life there is only one man I killed without a fair trial, and that was Jack the Ripper, but I admit personal vendetta. Several times I had partaken in the services of Mary Kelly. I decimated him the same way he decimated her, I felt justice was served fairly. " A moment later, obscure Korean classical music began to play on the speakers. "In addition, I do not glut myself as do the members of the guard." L added.

Wishing to learn more about L's case against Kira, Edward leaned forward until he was looking over L's shoulder. "Do you have any leads regarding who or what Kira is?"

"I have not confirmed Kira's identity yet, however I do have some idea of Kira's psychology based on the crimes committed."

L pulled up a graph that recorded some obscure data that Edward couldn't understand even if his knowledge of Kanji was not elementary at best. L began to read and explain the graph. "Kira so far has restricted his killing to criminals who are known publicly and who have their faces and names known to public. My hypothesis is that Kira required a name and a face to complete a kill; however I have yet to test that hypothesis."

L then explained casually. "I believe that Kira is someone like you, Edward-chan."

This took Edward off guard. "Pardon me," he asked.

"You are a young male with a heavy dose of idealism who believes in—or has believed in the justness of his cause enough that he is willing to act as judge, jury and executioner. Like your days as a vigilante, Kira targets those he considers unfit or unclean."

Edward was taken aback and had to step away from L using what little space there was in the closet. "How did you know about those days?" His vigilante days were not something that Edward liked to think about.

"As I said, Edward-chan; you are an idealistic young male. I have seen first hand how violent teenaged males and jealous females can become; they are like animals. While you have reformed, there is a forty percent chance that from time to time you feel the rage build up and feel the temptation to kill a human based on your mental power's readings. Especially if that human threatened to harm your wife."

Edward said nothing. So far L had been spot on about everything. With his deductive abilities, L was more powerful than any mind reader or tracker in Volterra. Unlike Dmitri the tracker; L could trajectorize a target's course and figure out not only where they would be but how best to get them and why they were running in the first place. And unlike his own mind reading powers, L wasn't dependant on a person's thoughts. Edward wasn't certain where L's deductive powers stemmed or what limit they had.

"In the nineteen twenties, I began to investigate a vampire vigilante but the killer stopped before my investigation could make serious headway. I supposed he panicked when he suspected I was catching up to him. I went by the alias of Eraldo Coil. I have deducted now that you are that vampire vigilante, Edward-chan."

Edward rubbed the back of his neck and offered a sheepish crooked grin. "Well, I'm afraid you have me guilty as charged."

L nodded and smiled a bit. "Very good, Edward-chan. I see that being in a stable relationship has caused your maturity to improve; further validating my hypothesis that vampires are not unchanging."

Edward, however, was interested in Kira. "Let's get back to your investigation. How do you know that Kira isn't simply another criminal who is knocking off these other kingpins and taking over their empires and operations?"

"I had considered the possibility and have not completely discarded it as an option," said L. "However it is unlikely. According to financial reports and reports from various government spy agencies, the criminal, terrorist and other fiefdoms owned by these criminals have largely splintered as various criminal organizations suffer from infighting while large numbers of them have become demoralized due to Kira's seemingly untouchable nature."

L put down his lollypop, picked restlessly at his cake and Edward encountered another loud burst of incoherent thought.

_My inner gay feelings are acting up—this boy is looking good! And I have him in my closet…_

_Metal Gear?_

_Disposable panty liners! Disposable menstrual cups! Delicious!_

_Ohhh! Floor pie!_

Mercifully it was a short burst and not as painful as the last few. Edward was able to keep listening to L's explanations.

"As far as I am able to discern, Kira is killing humans largely for idealistic reasons. While he has targeted small time criminals the vast majority of his victims are high profile criminals whose deaths would have a large impact in and out of the criminal underworld."

The copper haired vampire nodded at L. "Alright, I understand your point. What else have you been able to tell about Kira?"

L began to nibble on a fingertip. "While I did say that Kira was like you, Edward-kun, he is much smarter."

This caused Edward to get slightly pissed off at L. It wasn't like the odd bastard meant any harm; he was just a social retard who more or less told the truth with very little regard for how the truth was taken. If there was one thing stronger than Edward's self control, it was his ego.

L continued. "Just as you were partially driven to kill the guilty with the aid of your mind reading gift; so we can also assume that Kira also has an enhanced sense which allows him to perceive the inferiority of those around him. This is likely an advanced genius level intellect or it may be an as of yet undetermined vampire power."

Edward smirked a bit. "You make it sound as if you expect Kira to have a goatee and horns with red skin."

L nodded and replied without humor. "There is a distinct possibility that Kira is the fallen angel Lucifer. According to the various books of the Abrahamic bible, Lucifer has only killed about ten people while God has killed millions through plagues and genocide. If Lucifer is up and around it may be that he is looking to catch up to God in terms of sheer evil."

Edward was aghast at L's blasphemy. In his day, people lived by God; then again, L was probably older than the Judeo-Christian religion so it made sense that the Bible's word carried very little weight with him. Still, Edward's religious sense of respect was hurt but he decided to keep it under wraps for now.

L turned to Edward and began to search among his collection of sweets. "Of course, all of this is pure speculation. At present I am planning to lay a trap for Kira. Watch for it, there is a 60% chance that he will fall for it. "

The eccentric vampire quickly pulled up a map of the Kanto region of Japan. "While most of Kira's victims appear across diverse ranges of geographic and other barriers, there is a brief period of time in time but statistically significant where many criminals in the Kanto region were eliminated by mysterious heart attacks."

Edward was fascinated by all of this. In fact, this was a hell of a lot more interesting than just sitting around and retuning and refitting some boring old pianos. Heh, pianos as boring; Edward never thought he'd ever see those lovely musical instruments in such a light. However a man like L had a way of leaving an impact on everyone he met; even vampires with supposedly "crystallized" personalities.

As much as he would love to sit here and work with L some more on this, he'd have to go very soon and get to work on those pianos before Aro got mad. Not only did he wish to avoid Aro getting mad but he also wanted to get as far away from Aro as possible. His aversion to Aro was due to how naturally creepy the vampire leader was . . . and it had something to do with the fact that Aro fantasized about having gay cowboy sex with Edward and his brothers. Three thousand years of iron willed rule over the vampire nation and he was still as bad as any of the damn teenaged boys at Forks High.

Before he could open his mouth, L beat Edward to the punch. All misgivings aside, Edward thought that L was thoroughly interesting guy, Renesmee might have even termed him as "cool."

"Before you speak; I have already deduced that your time to visit me has come to an end, Edward-kun," L rattled off in his oddly inflectioned voice. "Given your expertise both in music and in medicine, it is unlikely that you were brought here for your knowledge of human anatomy. Hence I deduced that you had been brought here to refurbish some of the pianos in dire need of repair."

L looked again at Edward. "I deduce that you are speechless. If you are able to read my mind you will understand how much pleasure I get from correct deductions."

Edward tried to speak once more but he was cut off a third time. This was getting pretty fucking annoying, no matter how cool it was to hang out with L despite being forced to hang out in a closet too short to stand up in.

"Before you go, Edward-kun, I would wish to impart you with relationship advice. Do not settle for good enough in a relationship. No matter how much a woman loves you, any man can grow boring. And never take her for granted. At any moment she can leave or be taken from you."

Edward frowned at L like an annoyed teenager. "And what the hell would you know about being in a relationship." Sure the guy man have been laid at some point in the past, but there was no way that he'd had consensual sex without money involved. Even Tanya and her sisters, some of the loosest vampire women in the world would be reluctant to brave L's long, cold stare and disgusting sugar habit.

L's thoughts suddenly became more chaotic and Edward received the worst mental burst of static yet.

_Should I tell him? _

_Here come the drums!_

_Would she like him? _

_Vamp isn't for vampire, it means he's bisexual. _

_He may not like the fact that she is a recovering Nazi. _

_FUCK IT ALL!_

The last mental outburst shocked Edward and made him gasp a little bit. It was hard to tell what L was truly feeling because his thoughts were only the tip of a very, very large iceberg. Something was different though about him now. L looked . . . defeated for lack of a better term.

L was still slumped like before and he was still licking the candies and eating the cake. Except now he looked like someone had killed his favorite pet.

Reluctantly and most shockingly, Edward watched as L put down the candies and sweets he'd been licking and sucking on. For a moment, L began to recite complex mathematical formulas in his mind. For the first time, he was truly trying to keep Edward out of his thoughts.

Then as soon as it began, L's thoughts returned to their normal state of anarchy and he gave Edward one of those friendly, Curious George smiles. "The reason I know so much about relationships, Edward-kun is that I am married."

Nothing could have surprised Edward more than that. So there was a Misses L; a woman screwed up and crazy enough to fall in love with this poor dysfunctional sap. Either she was the craziest bitch of all time or she was some kind of hot bimbo with no brains, who's only job was to bring him candy and give him head. Hell, Roger Rabbit had a hot wife; why couldn't L have a hot wife as well?

Since he first met his wife Bella, nobody had ever thrown Edward for so many loops as this guy had.

L asked him a question. "Do you wish to meet my wife, Edward-kun? It won't take very long. I dobut that Aro will even notice your missing. He is currently amusing himself with Albert Wesker, he'll be occupied for at least three more hours."

Edward once more looked at L. He said yes, if only to avoid repairing those stupid pianos and to finally get out of this stuffy closet and away from the reek of processed sugar.

So, L grabbed a torch that was wholly unnecessary and they both stepped out of the closet to meet with L's wife. "Oh! Before I forget, let me give you my Facebook alias. I have only 2,000 friends, a pathetic number I suspect." L added hastily.

**_Tokyo, Present Day_**

Ryuk! SHUT THE HELL UP!" Light Yagami screamed and threw his speculum down onto the blood splattered ground.

A towering, gangly figure edged into the doorway and cackled at the gorey scene before him, then opened his fanged maw wide and crunched down a ruby red apple whole, core and all. Ryuk's teeth were by no means normal for a vampire, every few days he filed them into that shape with a diamond tipped drill; even undrilled his teeth were pointed and painful looking by nature. There was very little ordinary at all about the vampire that sired Light, and who was now his unofficial roommate. Ryuk preferred to be called a "Shinigami" or God of Death rather than a vampire. He dressed entirely in black leathers that couldn't even be called skin tight, they were bone tight, but he wore a curious sheath of feathers on each boney shoulder. He constantly painted his craggy face in white and black clown paint, and every few days surgically altered his mouth into a maniacal grin that would have put the Joker to shame. He wore his black hair taller and wilder than that of Robert Smith of the Cure. His red eyes bulged unnaturally from their sockets, Light didn't know if that was somehow surgically enhanced or not, he didn't know what nationality Ryuk hailed from or much of anything about his sire, and in truth he didn't care to learn.

What was important about Ryuk was that he was reliable and so far he hadn't done anything to harm or frighten Light beyond dress like a total freak show.

In addition to his demented appearance Ryuk's appetite was insatiable. He killed four, sometimes five victims a night. However his lust for blood was rivaled only by his lust for apples. That's right…apples. Light often pondered how a vampire could crave fruit it couldn't even digest but, for now his mind was situated on far more interesting matters.

"Hey Light….whatcha doin'?" Ryuk laughed raspy. "Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk!"

"What do you think I am doing!" Light hissed and licked the blood from his hands in a calm measured manner than one would have never thought to see from a vampire. Light was the opposite image of the maniacal Ryuk, save for his eyes, Light appeared every bit human. If it weren't for the blood splattered across his business causal clothing, and the fact that his pants were down around his ankles and half erect penis on display than many might have deemed him as handsome and certainly trustworthy. His fine chiseled Asian features invited women and men alike to trust him, and even yearn for him. His light brown hair was cut in a stylish tousle, but this carefree handsome air was further off set by his blazing red eyes, which were characteristic of a newborn vampire.

"Hyuk hyuk huyk! Looks like someone got a little too enthusiastic playing doctor again!" Ryuk cackled and gestured to the unconscious Japanese woman with her blonde hair pulled in pigtails. She still wore a short frilly Lolita dress, and her kohl rimmed eyes were fluttering drowsily. Her legs were spread wide in stirrups, but all was visible between them was a mass of blood, and ribbons of Light's ejaculate sprayed across her legs. A spiked dog collar appeared padlocked to her neck and a leash pinioned her down to the bed.

"Doesn't matter. She'll heal soon enough." Light hissed, and zipped up his pants and paused to inject Misa with a clear serum. In only a few months Light had learned how to create a serum that would accelerate wounded humans healing power by 25 times their original speed, he hoped soon he would be able to use this serum in his brave new world, but for now he used it only to amuse himself with Misa's body. "Besides," Light added, "Misa has no idea that I do this thanks to the healing formula and it would be irresponsible of me to visit me sexual frustrations on women who may not be able to handle my strength and generousness."

The Shinigami vamp cackled. "Hyuk, sure Light; whatever you say." There was nothing so amusing in the world to Ryuk than to hear Light's justifications for his own crimes and depredations; the hypocrisy of the young people was something that never got old.

Ryuk cackled again, "Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! Shouldn't you go easy on poor Misa? She's been nothing but helpful to you, she's bought us this bitchin lab and apartment, and financed all your research. Not to mention she is always a willing test subject for your experiments. Shouldn't you play with her pussy a bit nicer?" It didn't sound like Ryuk was making a suggestion as much as he was making a jibe.

"Whatever." Light sighed, pulled off his blood soaked coat and thrust it into Ryuk's gloved hands which were tipped with razor sharp metal points…much like Catwoman. Ryuk sucked eagerly on the blood stains.

Ryuk followed his protégé as he moved from the laboratory and into the living room. The living room was a clash of décor. There was Misa's morbid Goth décor, as well as Ryuk's hardcore death metal posters that clashed harshly with Light's calm and minimalist tastes. The only piece of furniture that wasn't the scene of constant décor arguments was the vast LCD flat screen hanging in the living room.

Around various pieces of furniture of the living room were dozens of lit computer monitors which had live feeds of local news as well as security footage from around the building. Becoming a rock hard, indestructible vampire had done little for Light's sense of paranoia. His need for control had manifested in the installation of an expensive new security system that gave nobody privacy except himself. On one computer, the screen showed live footage of several Russian prisoners thrashing and screaming in a cell; more of Light's experiments and far less willing than gullible Misa.

Light seated himself calmly on the leather sofa and flipped to Sakura TV. The evening news had just began. He waited patiently for his moment, five minutes and forty one seconds later it came. The newscaster reported the story of a convicted child molester that had been caught near school grounds. Haruku Riku. His picture flashed across the screen, a typical middle aged Japanese man whom could have blended effortlessly into a crowd. His face burned in Light Yagami's mind.

Light didn't even need to close his eyes to hold the name and image firmly in place. Haruku Riku ,he thought firmly, dies of a heart attack. Light felt a strange surge of power erupt from his own chest, proof that his powers were working. 40 seconds from now Haruku Riku's life would end.

Two minutes later another criminal, Sho Shuji was reported. He was under arrest for attempted armed robbery. The moment Light saw his image he concentrated, felt a surge of power and delivered the same death sentence to Sho Shuji.

One minute later William Kimbel , twice convicted con-man was arrested by Japanese police was reported. 40 seconds later he screamed in his jail cell and collapsed as Light severed his life.

Through the night Light flipped through channels, some local, some international and the criminals they reported began to gasp, clutch at their chest and died without another sound. 27 criminals lay dead before Light finally smiled. "The world should know by now that justice never sleeps, nor does Kira."

Ryuk shuffled back into the living room, a half severed apple dangling from his maw. Briefly he glanced at one of the security feeds. "Hey Light, before you get too megalomaniacal you should know that Siobhan is pleasuring herself on the lab equipment again."

"Son of bitch!" Light hissed and leapt off the sofa.

The young vampire boy took off and charged down the hallway at speeds which would have been nothing but a blur to the human eye; if they saw anything at all. As Light ran, he shoved a door open, causing it to explode off its hinges. He cursed his own lack of control as he sped down the hall towards the main lab; which had been made from what was previously a gymnasium.

Though he exhibited remarkable control for a vampire, Light was still a newborn and thus volatile. Several times he'd totally lost control and acted like a proper newborn; massacring the human servants before Ryuk's mocking laughter brought him back to reality.

Light gritted his diamond hard teeth; he'd show his maker, he'd show them all. He'd be the most amazing vampire who ever lived. As Light Yagami the human he'd been nothing more than the kid everyone wants to be. He got straight A's in school, got into a prestigious university, banged the hottest women, and had won several major awards in various tennis tournaments.

Yet all that time he'd really been bored. It always felt like he'd been selling himself short. Despite all his achievements Light had suffered from both boredom and from a feeling that he was made for better things. He wanted more than to be a handsome face.

As Light Yagami he was just another pretty boy with no personality and even less regard for other people around him.

Some would call being a vampire a curse; a monotonous nightmare punctuated only by feedings and fornication with other passing vampires.

But for Yagami Raito, it was an opportunity. As Light Yagami he was only a man; he could be killed, maimed, forgotten, ignored or outdone. As Kira though, he was a _symbol, a God_. Nobody knew his name but everybody knew him. He was on everyone's minds, in every newspaper and blog. He wasn't just famous or respected; he reigned over these people. And one day, even the vampires of the world would be reigned over by him. It was all a matter of time; he literally had an eternity to sharpen his tools and hone his skills to a level he couldn't have imagined before.

Now before he could do any of that he had to first take care of some oversexed Irish bitch vampire.

At last, Light exploded into the laboratory; this time not even caring that he smashed down the doors. His newborn strength would only be temporary; when he weakened he'd still be strong enough to pull a speeding train. Any doors that got in the way of is anger didn't stand a chance.

Light narrowed his eyes at the sight before him. A sexy muscle goddess of a vampire was standing in the lab with her exposed ass and pussy facing Light. The buff vampire woman's pants lay down her ankles and she was currently pleasuring her sex with some test tubes. Testament to her lust and superpowered cunt muscles were several more long metal pieces taken from random laboratory equipment; well, all that would have to be replaced now. And they'd have to get some air freshener for the lab to get rid of the smell of female vampire cum.

Siobhan, leader of the Irish coven of vampires had been dropping by the neighborhood to visit young Light Yagami when she'd been overcome with a powerful need for sex. She'd had something of a fallout with her mate Liam lately and as such she was sex starved; the poor dear. Since she'd die rather than fuck Light or that fucking thing Ryuk; queer as a clockwork orange that one was.

Siobhan continued to please herself with the lab equipment, long black hair falling down the simple shirt and vest she wore. Her body was tall and muscular even by the standards of men. As a human she'd been a blacksmith, so great was her physical strength that no man would dare approach her; fucking shite hawks every last one of them.

Light's patience was wearing thin as Siobhan whimpered and moaned to herself in Gaelic. A lesser man or vampire would have freaked out and started to yell at her. The only problem was that Siobnhan was ferociously strong for a vampire; strong enough that even with his temporary newborn strength she could easily mash Light into itty bitty pieces.

"Siobhan," said Light in Gaelic. He'd attempted to learn the language of the Irish people to try and charm Siobhan but none going. She merely ignored him.

Light spoke again to her, this time raising his voice half an octave. "Siobhan." She did respond but not with any respect. She simply took one hand away from her breast and held up a finger to indicate that she'd be done in just one minute. Immediately that hand went back to playing with her sensitive marble nipples. As she penetrated herself with the test tube, her sinuous, muscular body writhed and flexed as she leaned on a counter; breaking something expensive and valuable in the process.

Very few people could make Light lose his cool like Siobhan could. Maybe it was because she was such a strong willed woman that she ignored his attempts at charming her and treated him like the worm he really was. Truth be told, she saw him as little more than a little kid playing a grownup's game.

Light rolled his eyes, counting backwards from a million in Mayan in his head and continuing speaking in Gaelic. "Siobhan, can you please stop that?"

Once more she raised a hand. She held up a finger but this time her hand was quivering; not with lust but with anger. She was close to a fourth orgasm and if Light screwed this up or distracted her then there was going to be hell to pay. The Turkish vampire who raped and turned her soon found out that not only was she strong, she had few qualms about killing those she perceived as scum. Lord knows that Light had done more than enough to warrant that classification.

With no choice left to him, Light simply began to tap his foot impatiently; every inch he looked like a disapproving parent despite the fact that Siobhan looked nearly twice his age.

Ten seconds passed, followed by twenty seconds and then twenty more. Soon, Siobhan's body began to quiver and she started to move her hips and ass faster in time with the movements of the glass test tube which had miraculously survived her thrusting and clenching.

At last, she made a gasp to God in her native language and her whole body shuddered. There was a tinkling of glass and a powerful smell of vampire lady cum.

Despite himself, Light couldn't help but be aroused by the whole display. Something about Siobhan's shameless exhibitionism and the manly shape of her feminine body turned him on. Fighting the growing erection in his pants, Light began to think about the most unsexy things; naked fat men and penises rotted by herpes and other such disgusting things. _And gay sex….don't forget gay sex! _

With her business done, Siobhan gave an unnecessary exhale of pleasure and then grabbed a laboratory smock to wipe off her dripping love box. With utter disregard for the rules of the lab (Light lived by the rules of the lab! Those were the only rules he'd never break) Siobhan threw aside the smeared smock to the ground and then bent over to pull up her pants.

Light fought his hardest to suppress a growl. His throat was burning now despite how much blood he'd glutted himself with before performing surgery and raping Misa. He always got thirsty when he was angry and he didn't like how he couldn't control his own body as well as he would like.

Plus it was so hot when she bent over like that.

At last, Siobhan turned to face light. For a girl with such a large, muscular body her face was amazingly feminine with long, graceful looking eyelashes. Never a shy person, Siobhan was totally unlike any other female that Light had met before.

"Why if it isn't the great General Tojo," said Siobhan with a delightful Irish broque and a total lack of reverence for the great Kira. "All hail to you, nee-san."

Again, Light had to fight the anger that was growing inside of him. He hated the way she called him General Tojo. Tojo had been the leader of Japan in World War Two. By all accounts Tojo had been a dull and unimaginative man who graduated in the middle of his class. It also didn't help that Light always remembered that Tojo botched his own suicide and ended up being executed by the Americans.

For the time being, he chose to ignore the nickname for him because at present he needed Siobhan. "Siobhan," he continued in Gaelic, "could you please not do that again? Last time you did a job for me I bought you the most expensive . . . love toys on the market."

Siobhan shrugged and ran her hands through her perfect hair. "Oh those puny things, they broke on me. So I just helped my pretty self." She spoke in accented English, causing Light to switch to the same language.

"Honestly, I don't care what you masturbate with just as long as you don't do it with my laboratory equipment."

The Irish vampire lady laughed a tittering, musical laugh. "Oh, I don't see your name on any of this, Tojo."

The Irish vampire stepped forward and held out a hand to indicate the lab. "Besides, all of this belongs to your girl Misa; though she's as thick as two short planks."

Now _that_ offended Light. Misa didn't own this, it was his lab; even though she was the one that paid for it. Knowing that he was on the verge of losing control in front of a subordinate, Light changed the subject.

"I did not call you here for a social call,"

Siobhan laughed again. "Of course, but you must be so onery here by yourself."

Light's eye twitched. Gritting his teeth, his red eyes shone like a pair of Halloween lanterns with pure rage. "I do not talk that way," his voice was dangerous and deadly and he was definitely in the mood to murder.

Siobhan chuckled and took a step back to examine a few miscellaneous bits of lab gear. "Of course you don't, sushi-pie; you talk English good."

Light shut his eyes and began to recite nursery rhymes from seven different languages. He even started reciting the Jedi code in his mind to calm himself down.

_There is no passion; there is only peace_

_There is no ignorance, there is only knowledge_

_There is no passion, there is only harmony_

_There is no chaos, only serenity_

_There is no death, there is the force. _

After reciting that little bit of code based off of the _Star Wars_ movies, Light finally felt like his old self; cool, collected and in control. Nobody could touch him emotionally when he was in a state like this. Indeed, the Jedi mantra had helped him greatly in controlling not only his emotions but his bloodlust as well.

"You know why I called you here," he spoke in English.

Siobhan nodded, his smile greatly reduced as she was now ready to talk business. "Yes I do, Raito; what can I do for ya?"

Light nodded serenely. Things were now going his way again. "Good, as you know I'm taking it upon myself to cleanse the world of filth in the human world and set a better example for those living in this world. I provide the people with a God that listens."

Siobhan nodded. Since the arrival of Kira, huge cults and fanbases had sprung up to worship this mysterious entity who took out criminals with the same trademark heart attack. The cult of Kira in its various forms was beginning to threaten the old religions and established order.

With nothing but a name and a face, Light could murder any human in any way he wished as long as it was not impossible. He could wish a man to have a life ending cancer but the cancer could only kill as fast as cancer can; given an unrealistic time frame the cancer would not take hold and the human would have a heart attack instead. Also, nicknames would do nothing for Light.

Yet the most maddening limitation of his power was that it didn't seem to work on vampires. They didn't even feel any discomfort from it. This fact he revealed to no one but himself; despite this Ryuk had quickly picked up on his limitation and occasionally ribbed Light for it.

Opening his coat pocket, Light removed a piece of paper with elegant script which Siobhan could easily read. He held out the paper for her, which she snatched from him without a word.

The black haired muscle woman began to read the list; it was full of names.

"These are a list of prominent government officials in several world powers including Japan, China, the United States and Russia. I'm beginning to crack down on government corruption; I don't want the kings of the world to think that they are exempt from Kira's justice."

Light paused to adjust his tie. Yes, things were going according to plan; the woman didn't suspect a thing. "To do that I need the names of government officials who aren't public; spooks and spies, king makers and lobbyists. Get me their names so that I can visit justice on those who sit behind the throne."

He stopped to give Siobhan a little friendly smile which reminded Siobhan of nothing so much as a Japanese _noh_ mask. She thought that Light was scum, but she whole heartedly approved of him killing human scum; partly because she herself had been doing it for so many years. The difference was that she ate who she killed and who she ate deserved to die; no easy heart attacks for her victims.

Misa was devoted to Light mind, body and soul; but she was a fucking dunce. Siobhan on the other hand had a mind like a surgical knife and cunning to boot, but her morality was strong enough that she'd never compromise herself for any man or woman.

That was why when Light hired Siobhan to do these jobs for him, she must never be allowed to feel that she was doing something wrong; if she did then it would all be over and she might kill him. Misa couldn't stop Siobhan and Ryuk wouldn't; he was only a passive ally in this match.

"You think you can do it?"

Siobhan held out her chest with pride, her stone hard breasts straining against the fabric just as much as her well developed biceps. "Of course, who do you think you're talking to , puler?"

Light nodded. He hated Siobhan's strong willed nature, but loved that she brought results and knew exactly what was demanded of her. "Good," Light left it at that.

Siobhan threw Light a mock salute. "Before the week is out you'll know more about the black ops and secret agents of the world than James Bond."

As she turned to leave, Siobhan chuckled to herself for a moment. "This is a good bit of fun; it's better than _Doctor Who_."

She suddenly gave Light a sideways glance. "I'll do it as long as I'm paid what's owed; or else I'll snap yer fecking neck and stick yer head up yer arse."

Light placated the woman. "You'll get paid exactly what you asked for: two Uzi machine guns, twelve thousand rounds of ammunition, a helicopter ride to Cuba and a blow up sex doll."

Siobhan wasn't doing this for money. She was doing it for the thrills . . . and the other random stuff she demanded of Light.

"See that you keep your word, boy, or me wont love you long time" then Siobhan was gone.

As she vanished Light looked around the lab with displeasure. She'd trashed half of the most expensive equipment plus a quarter of the less expensive but no less vial stuff. Killing criminals was only part of Light's plan for creating a new and better tomorrow. Only an individual with superior ability and vision could reform this degenerate world and break the cycle of death and war that had plagued human and vampire for so long.

As he walked around the lab, he considered calling the servants to clean up but he didn't trust them here with his experiments; many of which were in the halfway point of the tests.

The whole problem with the world was not that it couldn't go on, but it shouldn't go on. Against all odds, the amoral and cruel world trudged on like a diseased animal that was lame but not dead yet. It was Light's moral duty to put down the sick old world and build a new, clean one in its place.

Suddenly, his focus was interrupted by a light buzzing from his phone. Popping the expensive device open, Light's eyes widened with joy as he saw who had sent him this particular e-mail.

He'd specifically rigged the phone to alert him whenever he got an e-mail; that way he could always know when he was being contacted by his very special friend.

Light didn't know the name of his very special friend, only that his e-mail address was sCredancstor45 and his online chat name was the same. Except for those two minor details, Light knew nothing about their strange individual who contacted him shortly after his becoming a vampire.

Rushing to his personal computer monitor with blazing speed, Light covered several dozen floors in less than a second.

Opening up his top of the line laptop, Light opened up a chat room and began to converse with his good friend, sCredancstor45.

_Commodore Yamamoto: How are you my friend?_

_sCredancstor45: most excellent my dear comrade. How was your day?_

Light looked at the reply and smiled. It was an honest smile of enjoyment, not one intended to charm or beguile the weak minded; which was why it looked so creepy in the first place. He typed a reply to his close and only friend.

_Commodore Yamamoto: Good today. I fucked Misa while she was under anesthesia._

_sCredancstor45: Ha! Good for you :) show that dog who is the master._

Light laughed to himself at his chat partner's frankness. One thing he loved about sCredancstor45 was that he never judged Light. Light could be completely honest with this individual about his worst crimes and darkest desires and he'd just reply by talking about even more depraved desires and sins. He or she really made Light feel at ease.

_Commodore Yamamoto: Indeed I do and she never forgets it. I even have her wearing a dog collar. She thinks it's romantic! _

_sCredancstor45: Hahaha! Rofl! She is so pathetic, have fun with her while she lasts and make sure that you are in her will in case she kicks the bucket from too much puppy dog eyes. _

Light laughed pleasantly at their degrading talk regarding Misa. He eagerly typed back.

_Commodore Yamamoto: I already took care of that. Frankly I like the bitch too much to kill her. Rumor has it the Olympic Coven kept a pet human once. _

_sCredancstor45: Yeah, lol. Women are like cars. As soon as there's a problem with them, replace them. _

This statement caused Light to laugh with all the misogynistic sensibility of an arrogant teenaged boy.

_Commodore Yamamoto: Totally agreed with you, old buddy. Oh, I nearly forgot to mention that the Irish slut came by today._

_sCredancstor45: Ah, the amazon from Dublin . . . or wherever the hell she's from. What did she do?_

Light signed in a contented fashion. He poured out his frustrations to this person without giving anything away really important. He had to be careful no matter how much he liked this person.

_Commodore Yamamoto: you wouldn't believe it. She was masturbating with the lab equipment. Do you know how much one of those test tubes costs?_

_sCredancstor45: Lol, what! Sounds like you are living in a bordello. All that's missing is a chess board with pieces shaped like naked women. _

The once honour student and current vigilante vampire scoffed at his online friend.

_Commodore Yamamoto: I'm glad we met on that pro Kira website. Without this daily release I think I might go mad having to deal with Misa's complaining; lord knows that morphine can only knock her out so long. _

_sCredancstor45: So this makes me your therapist?_

_Commodore Yamamoto: Hardly, you are my partner in what is soon to be a gorgeous, shimmering Utopia free of crime and ruled by vampires. _

_sCredancstor45: Now we're talking. I've been itching to talk about our plans all day_

Light glowed with anticipation and began to chat with is online friend and accomplice.

_Commodore Yamamoto: I have Siobhan spying on select members of various government agencies. I'm trying to get her to find out who has the authority to push the button to launch a nuclear strike. _

_sCredancstor45: I admire your plan but there's no need to rush this. According to my calculations, the human race will destroy themselves soon enough. _

Light shook his head. He'd seen his friend's calculations and measurements. He made a valid argument but Yagami thought otherwise.

_Commodore Yamamoto: You underestimate the human drive to survive. They had the chance to annihilate themselves during the cold war but it never happened. We must accelerate the timetable. _

_sCredancstor45: Your initiative is to be praised but I'm worried about Volturi involvement. If they discover us then this whole thing will be shot to hell. Killing human criminals is one thing but starting a nuclear war and building a new world order is hardly something they won't notice. _

Light sneered at the mention of the Volturi. He'd learned of them from Ryuk and had learned even more from his internet friend.

_Commodore Yamamoto: The Volturi are the embodiment of sloth. They build nothing, create nothing and do nothing; they simply leach off of the world and all it has to offer. _

As he went on typing, Light became more and more passionate; stopping to recite the Jedi code once more before he broke the computer.

_Commodore Yamamoto: They see the world rotting, see the innocent dying and the guilty prosper and they build an empire on it. Even the technology they use is build and designed by humans. _

_sCredancstor45: That's totally true, they are little more than fat, bloated ticks living in the hide of the world. But they did not get to be the kings of shit mountain by letting threats blossom. Whenever a threat has arisen they have stamped their authority on it and over three thousand years of rule they have amassed much in the way of knowledge, treasures and talented vampires. They are now becoming even more aggressive in their drive to search for more talented vampires. _

Light sat back in the chair, which creaked under his massive weight. Yes, the Volturi would like to recruit him if they could . . . over his dead body. There was no way he was going to serve them like a prostitute, selling his brains for some petty pleasures. He was well above the petty tribalism of the Volturi—it wouldn't even be worth it to take over the organization. They were beyond reform, they could only be exterminated now.

In a way, Light saw himself like Napoleon; bringing the Enlightenment to a backwards and corrupt country under the stranglehold of an ancient regime.

He and his friend typed back and forth, sharing both teenaged misogyny and highly sophisticated scientific formulas and theories. Not only was his friend morally the same as Light, but he was smart enough that Light didn't have to dumb things down for him.

So, if Light was Napoleon then what did that make his friend?

Between messages, Light smiled and ran a hand through his hair as he found the perfect analogy for his mysterious friend online.

"Robspierre," he said aloud. The man who had been responsible for the reign of terror in Paris; the master of the guillotine who'd made the Parisian streets run red with blood.

And while Napoleon became Emperor of Europe, Robspierre died at the hands of the device he used so zealously.

Light knew that one day his friend may become an enemy, but for not he was content to be friends.

His happy mood was shattered when he heard a squealing voice behind him. "Oh Light-kun!"

Ah shit, it was Misa. Siobhan must have unleashed her.

Putting on his best actor's face, Light spun around in his chair and embraced his annoying human pawn with open arms. "Hello my sweet," the sincerity he faked was utterly convincing; especially for someone weak willed as Misa.

"Oh Light-kun, Misa-Misa missed you so much!" she was so sugary and girly when she spoke Light thought he was going to get diabetes.

Nuzzling her with the appearance of real human concern, Light asked of his slave. "How are you feeling, sweetness?"

Misa jumped back and smiled. "I feel great thanks to you, my love." Humourously, Misa flexed one bicep. "Since that surgery Misa feels better already; and it's all thanks to you."

With that, Misa jumped forward and began to pepper light with kisses. Yes, the healing serum had done its work and judging by her reaction she was totally unaware that she'd been raped during surgery. She didn't have any soreness or anything.

Just when Light thought he couldn't take anymore, Misa jumped back and then leapt over Light's head.

Just then, she began to do back flips and other acrobatic moves on the computer desk. Red eyes wide with terror that she'd break his _personal_ laptop, Light cried out. "Misa no!"

Laughing cheerily, Misa jumped off the desk and landed in Light's lap. "Silly boy, Misa can do anything now."

This made Light cringe inside. Misa was becoming far too independent. He'd have to reduce her contact with Siobhan before she turned into an original thinker.

Light smiled, looking on the bright side. "Looks like that surgery did the job."

"That's right!" Misa cried gleefully. "Now Misa is an uber agile catwoman." To make her point across, she let out an amazingly realistic cat's _meow_.

This made Light cringe once again. True, he'd tried to genetically modify Misa for enhanced physical ability and spatial awareness but he'd never designed her to meow like that. It wasn't turning out like he wanted it; even this small lapse of control frightened the living daylights out of him.

As a vampire, a single drop of blood would be enough to shatter his iron will and turn him into an animal. He hated this loss of control more than anything because it meant that he was no different than the rest of the teaming, morally bankrupt morass of humanity. He refused to be just another face in the crowd.

He was Kira and he reigned over this world.

Not wishing to cut short the conversation with his friend short, he tried to reason with Misa. "Misa, love; run along would you. I just need to finish chatting with my friend."

This caused Misa to pout in a fashion that would have melted the heart of someone less sociopathic than Light. "Oh Light, do you really like your friend more than me?"

Now Light really hated this part because she was actually asking something of him. Swallowing his vitriol, he smiled and scratched her behind the ear; eliciting a purr form her. "Now honey, I've got men's business here. Run off and in a few minutes we'll watch one of your movies."

"Yay!" shouted Misa and she took off down the hall to put a chick flick onto the TV.

Down in the living room, Ryuk called up to Light; who had no problem hearing through several floors with his vampire hearing. "Having fun, Light? Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!"

Light clenched his fist. "Jedi code, Jedi code," he chanted over and over again.

_Meanwhile, in Romania, near to the Borgo Pass_

His name was Dracula. Adolf Hitler might have been a sadistic man but Count Vlad Dracula was a whole other ballgame.

Despite being the king of a whole hidden species of vampire, he came across as more of a clown than anything else. He wore stretchy black slacks complete with shiny white boots that had smiley faces on the toes.

Over his chest he wore a bright teal dress shirt and over the dress shirt he wore a baby blue sparkling jacket with sparkles all over it. He wore a Swarovski crystal tiara in his ragged black locks.

Completing the hideous outfit was a large polka dot bowtie. The only thing that really gave him away as a mass murdering psychopath was his face and especially his smile. Every time Dracula smiled and reached out with his white gloved hands he looked like he was going to molest someone—and he had molested people in the past, men women and children.

The computer room was full of flies, partly due to the bodies of the twelve year old hookers that he'd raped and murdered before starting up his online chat with Kira.

Kira, the very word of it made the Sacred Ancestor smile with glee. The word was a Jap mispronunciation of the word "killer." Really, couldn't those idiots in the far east make up an original word for the world's most famous killer?

He had yet to figure out Kira's true identity but for the great Count Dracula it was only a matter of time.

Mumbling to himself absent mindedly, he reached down and grabbed a document he'd been looking for. There was an eyeball stuck to it and he needed to flick it off—the thing was still legible so it really didn't matter.

Yes, when the year 1999 rolled around and the world didn't end, the Sacred Ancestor had been very angry. His vampire seers had fucked up big time and he punished them accordingly; impalement up the ass with giant wooden stakes in the ground. Add some garlic butter as lube to increase the agony.

Suddenly, his online chat with Kira was interrupted by a phone ringing. "Dammit!" Dracula shouted when he saw that the phone wasn't in the cradle. He may have been an evil genius but he always kept on misplacing things. Curse it all!

So angrily, before the answering machine could take it, Dracula began to move around the raped corpses of the whores. The bloated face of one twelve year old girl hooker looked up at him with a rictus of agony and sorrow from where he'd strangled her with her own soiled panties. Nope, the phone wasn't under her.

Then he shifted over the dead body of a young rent boy. He'd simply raped the lad to death using sand as "lube." That was a sweet rape if there ever was one.

"Ah ha!" Dracula cried as he turned over the smelly corpse and found the phone.

Irritated, he hit the "answer" button. "Hello?"

"Hi," said the person on the other end of the line. "I'm looking for a friend of mine named Ray."

Dracula frowned. Ray? He didn't know any Ray. "Are you sure you have the right number?" Dracula asked in dulcet tone.

"Naturally," said the velvety voice on the line. "His name is Ray Jinqueer."

Dracula searched his powerful memory for such a name. "Ray Jinqueer; let me check."

Turning around, he left the computer room of death and walked into the servant's quarters. The room was full of odd vampires and demons.

"Is there a Ray?" he asked. "Ray Jinqueer? Hey everybody, I'm not a Ray Jinqueer?"

At this, one mutant rat thing asked the vampire king. "Are you sure about that?" Then everyone began to laugh.

Dracula's eyes widened. Ray Jinqueer? Raging Queer! He'd been prank called.

Growling with fury, Dracula took the phone. "Listen to me you fuck; when I find you I'm going to sink my teeth into your mother's cunt and eat it with fucking marinara sauce!"

The other person on the line couldn't hear what he said because they were laughing to hard.

_**Forks, Washington**_

Emmett and Jasper stood around laughing their asses off. This was the sixth time they'd prank called that one number and he still hadn't caught on.

Behind them laid a mass off pale skin and black Hot Topic clothing that was vaguely recognizable as D, Dracula's own genetically engineered and genetically perfect son. In one hand he held a blazing joint, his bloodshot eyes were locked on the television, and he was actually giggling shrilly at an episode of Aqua Teen. "Tehehehe! Dick ship! That will never fly! Don't touch those dicks! HEHEHEHE!"

He hadn't even noticed when Emmett had stolen his Iphone right from his thousands of pockets.

**_Volterra/ Mid World _**

_Damn…it is a shame that he is married because he's quite beautiful. His wife is quite stunning as well, judging from her ID. Edward Cullen and Isabella Cullen make a lovely couple. I wonder if they need a third party…_

"Hey!" Edward hissed and grabbed L's scrawny arm. "Don't be thinking thoughts like that! I…I keep Bella perfectly satisfied in bed!" Edward growled with a measured breath, and tried not to remember the Clown Bella fiasco. With any other man, especially Jacob Black who was still given to the occasional though about Bella, he might have roared and pounded his face in, but he was already feeling quite fond of L, and didn't want to risk nettling the detective.

"Oh right….I forgot you were listening." L shrugged nonchalantly.

"And when did you see Bella's ID?" Edward pressed again in as gentlemanly as he possibly could.

"Right…I apologize. I needed to verify your identity before I could begin to trust you. I took this from your back pocket when I allowed you into my closet. You have a very firm ass Edward-kun." L produced his wallet from within one of the pockets of his cheap jeans.

Edward snatched it back, nettled beyond belief, and was thankful that it contained nothing more than his and Bella's ID. He'd left pictures of his daughter back at home in the off chance that he fell into danger, he didn't want to risk his safety of his daughter. "You…you did say that we are meeting a woman right? You've made a lot of rather homosexual comments."

"If it bothers you I'll stop. Truth is that I am bisexual, as is my wife. I believe that love and sex shouldn't be hindered by gender. Don't be so narrow minded Edward-kun."

Edward choose not to comment. In truth there was little else he found more repulsive than the thought of homosexuality, in the age he'd been raised in it simply didn't happen…at least not in the environment he'd known. But over the ages he'd learned tolerance. At least L didn't display his homosexual side like one of those big "Oh god, here they come floating around, making noise" gays.

L slinked onward into the darkest deepest tunnels of Volterra. He walked like an old man, his feet shuffling, with his back hunched over and shoulders slumped low, as though he were bearing the weight of the world on his back. He dug deep into one of his pockets and produced a packet of gummy bears and tossed a large handful into his mouth. "Mummimear?" he muttered and handed the bag to Edward.

He again, refused.

By now they must have traveled a mile deep into the catacombs of Volterra, but Edward felt a strange pull of gravity on his body, as though he were talking upward, instead of plunging down into the ill lighted tunnels.

"About five seconds ago we crossed into a thinny. The best way to describe a thinny is an area where space-time has been distorted or weakened. This current world is commonly called Mid World. Some extremely sophisticated technology exists in this world, but it has been largely forgotten and neglected by the populous. A large part of my work for the Volturi concerns figuring out how to harness the power contained within these machines. But I wouldn't be to concerned Edward-kun. I am skilled at acting like a fool. They only know about 10 percent of what this technology is capable of."

Edward listened in astonishment. Another world? Such a thing was possible? Indeed his body told them that he was indeed ascending a stair case that was growing narrower and narrower, his senses told him that they must have been within a tower. "How did you find out about such a thing?"

"Simple. Do you recall the Los Angeles BB Murder Case? Perhaps not, it was a very small murder case with only three murders. I apprehended the murderer, and was shocked when the man claimed that he was me. He went by a different name. Beyond Birthday, BB, or even Rue Ryuzaki. But other than the name, he was me exactly. He knew things about me that nobody could possibly know. He was my doppelganger. I learned that he's been traveling through thinnys and destroying every incarnation of L he meets. Luckily I didn't let him progress any further. I feed on that incarnation of myself, and gained his power to seek out thinnys. I know of at least sixteen around the world. This one happens to be ideal for my wife." L said, and all the while tossed more gummy bears into his mouth, than cast a despondent gaze at the empty package.

Edward was still reeling in the bizarre story, and trying to wrack his mind for any memory of the murder case when suddenly L lurched down onto his knees and vomited. It was so unexpected that Edward went tumbling over him, and stepped into a puddle of sticky, multi colored syrupy vomit that reeked of sugar and was peppered with bits of gummy bears. The venom mixed within it stood out like oil and water. Edward could only watch helplessly as L puked for almost five minutes without pause. The undiluted venom steadily ate away into the expensive Italian leather of Edward's shoes.

"Uh….are you alright L?" Edward asked blankly, not daring to allow himself to survey the damage to his shoes.

"Yes." L answered as thought it were as natural as breathing to him. "Aren't you going to vomit? I forgot that going through a thinny tends to do that me. Didn't you have any of my sushi?"

Again with the sushi! And now L sounded almost offended that he didn't partake in the candy horror. Edward instead urged L onward toward his wife.

After what felt like an eternity to Edward they finally reached a set of thick metal doors. L tapped a computer touch screen, the same female voice featured on GPS systems spoke to him. " Voice and identity verification needed: 'What is the most disgusting dessert in the world?"

L answered promptly and suppressed a shudder, "Kroger's custard filled bismarks."

"Correct!" the voice chimed and the doors swung open. This room was immense, it had to be the prize at the end of the tower. It featured an beautiful set of polished marble stairs that lead to a stone dais, something forged of glass rested on top of the dais. Edward didn't doubt that the staircase leading up to glass was decorated with solid gold handrails, and studded with diamonds. On top of the dais Edward saw four phonographs with the huge morning glory horns, each one was playing an opera that Edward couldn't identify but he knew it was in German. Coming from the low quality horns it was very haunting sound indeed. But he saw no sign of L's wife.

L shuffled up the stairs with one his thumbs clinched tightly in his teeth. His expression was blank, but the cacophony of his thoughts began to scream. Edward groaned in pain when they assaulted him, but this time they were much more coherent. They were entirely in German. Edward had studied the language several times, but he'd had minimal success in following fluent speakers. He was also getting images from L, flashed of morbid scenery. Piles of rubble, grey ash blocking out the sunlight, vast explosions, bombs streaking through the sky like lightening, tears and a myriad of swastikas on blood soaked banners. The images were unlike any HD color war documentary Edward had seen, and made him quite glad he'd spent the second World War safe within the United States.

There was another image interspersed almost as frequently the swastikas. She wore the stark grays of a SS officer, but in L's mind she was glowing with beauty akin to a Goddess. The harsh German she used to command hundreds was the same voice she used to whisper in his ear with all the tenderness of a French poet.

The images and the voices distracted Edward so thoroughly he didn't even realize he was at the top of the stairs before he almost bumped into the glass structure. Resting at the top of the tower was a glass coffin, and laying on bed of black satin was the same woman featured in L's memories.

She was ridiculously tall, and lanky, but her skin was snowy white and dotted with diminutive freckles. Her hair flowed in a thick black sheet down to her knees, but she possessed a curious rebellious curl that stuck out from her hairline by at least a foot. She wasn't instantly stunning the way Bella was, but certainly pretty. He knew her closed eyes were the most stunning shade of ocean blue, and in L's mind they were typically haloed by her wire rimmed glasses.

The loveliness of her appearance wasn't even marred by the immense flintlock musket clutched in her arms, the golden swastika at her throat, the wires and tubes protruding from her wrists, or even the fact that L had dressed her in a Snow White dress. However her skin was far too pale, her eyes sunken and once soft lips shriveled and pale. She was almost certainly dead.

This was Mrs. L?

"Yes, this is my wife." L said, answering his unspoken question. " Her name was Ripley, but she preferred to be called Rip Van Winkle."

* * *

><p><em>More soon! :) I am having SO much fun writing this, I want to get a chunck of it done before school starts back. In the mean time if you want more Death Note I am writing great little Death NoteHellsing crossover called "Flower of War" and definatly check out some of Master of the Boot's stories. There are sooo many to pick from! :)_

_Coming up next! Narcolepsy and venom. Seventh prank call. The Kira Task Force. Lind L Taylor. Kira on the run. Renesmee. The vampire from the ocean. Forks High. Justin Bieber. Vampire tennis._


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